How many times have you heard someone say, ” She is just a stay at home mom.” ? My mom was a stay at home. It was not something she wanted to do. She always told me about how she would be putting her education to use if she hadn’t married my dad. She wanted to do more and she did. She home schooled us. However she still thought of herself as just a ‘stay at home mom’. I don’t think she gave herself enough credit for home schooling 3 kids in a foreign country.
I always felt that my mom wanted to do more. I know she loved us but we knew she did not feel satisfied with her life. Growing up I never wanted to be like my mom – a stay at home mom. Partly it was because I felt my mom was unhappy and partly it was because a part of me felt that she resented us for taking over her life. She was interested in history and arts and has a masters degree. I think she felt that she wasted it. She wanted to be more than my mother.
If I could say one thing to my mother- I would say- Thank you- You taught me to read and write. You were a teacher. You were a nurse. You were a nutritionist. You were always more than a mother.
Today is your first birthday. I cannot believe a year has passed by. It makes me sad that you are no longer a baby. I wish I had spent more time cuddling you than worrying about your sleep and schedule and what you were eating. But that’s what mothers do- worry.
You have grown so much over the past year. And so have I. I learnt that it’s ok to cry because sometimes you just need a good cry! It’s ok to spend all day in your pjs. It’s ok to drink cold coffee(eventually I just started drinking iced coffee). It’s ok to sleep with one eye open in case you need me. It’s ok to sleep with your arm trapped under a baby who has been suckling at your boob for 3 hours. Its ok to sing even when you don’t know the words because all that matters is you smiling. It’s ok because in the end I wish I could do it all over again- the sleepless nights, the 2 am feeding, the 5am feedings, the poopy diapers, the rocking and rocking some more, the endless off key singing.. Everything- Because you are worth it.
I hope you read this at some point in the future and know that you have taught me more than you will ever know. So if you a reading this and we have just had a disagreement- it’s ok, because no matter what I will always love you and I will always be on your side. Just keep in mind, I am not perfect but my love for you is.
Love you forever Zara bear.