M is for Mom and Medium

How many times have you looked in your closet at your pre baby clothes and cried a little? Or you pull out your pre baby ‘fat jeans’ and think, oh these should fit! And they don’t fit. 

Working out and eating healthy was a forced discipline for me. I was always a size S or XS. Getting into a size zero gave me sense of pride. The size of the clothes I wore defined me. 

Pre baby I worked out 4 or 5 times a week. I could do a 100 burpees in one go. I fit ‘better’ into my size zero clothes .  I ate a high protein no carb diet. No sugar or dairy. This was not easy. Not only did it require a lot of prep work but also a LOT of discipline. 

Fast forward to present time! I gained a lot of weight while I was pregnant ( 42 pounds to be exact!)  I am petite so that is a lot for my frame. I was put on bed rest for the last trimester and that played a major part in my weight gain. I did not lose weight when I breast fed. In fact, I gained more weight! Long story short, every time I opened my closet I cried. Nothing fit. I hated the way I looked. I started to work out everyday and eat better but there was barely any gains. It was disappointing and depressing. 

I thought about the pre baby me. Yes I looked great. I had energy. But was I happy? Nope. I love eating. And giving up my favorite foods took a lot out of me. On the outside, I fit in to my size zero but on the inside I was deprived. 

I am not saying working out and eating healthy is depressing. And yes everyone should excersize and eat healthy. But for the right reasons. My reason was to continue to be a size zero/s. That was not a good enough reason. 

I am now a size M. I still have about 20 pounds to get to my pre baby weight. I don’t workout. I should ( another thing to feel guilty about). I do however eat better. But I eat carbs. Good carbs mainly. I still look inside my closet and cry. But not as much. I bought some new clothes that actually fit me. I still cringe when I try on a size M. But I am trying not to let the size of the clothes I wear define me. For now I am a size M on the outside. But on the inside I don’t feel deprived. And I am learning it’s how you feel on the inside that matters the most. 

How are you coping with your new body? Have you embraced it or are you longing to go back to your pre baby body?

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2 thoughts on “M is for Mom and Medium

  1. Hey Husna – I had a pre-baby body too that I was proud off. On good days I was between a size 2-4. Two children and a dozen stretch marks later I look like an accordion that has played at its last dance! It’s dismal.

    My son, my only saving grace, saw my stretch marks and kissed them saying that I am beautiful. It meant a lot to me. It made me realize tha I am bigger that the size that defines me, my stretch marks, the swollen boobs, falling hair….all that! I was a home to two babies and that is enough. I am enough. My body is my book and at the end of this life, it will read that I was a mother above all else.

    Like

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