I want to write to you but I could not find the words. I hope when you are older and you read this you will maybe look back at this time and think how you never realized how bad it was. All I want to do is to protect you from what is happening outside in the world and what is happening inside our lives. You did not deserve this. You deserve a good life, the best life.
You are 5 years old and smarter beyond your age. You understand more than you let on. You have taken everything that has happened in your short life in good stride. I wish I had your strength and your positive light. You always look ahead with light in your eyes. You feel things deeply just like your momma. And you love ferociously like me. You have a heart of gold and are opinionated and stubborn. When you believe in something you put your heart into it. Qualities that make me so proud of you.
Last year your dad moved out. And I am so proud of how you handled that. You asked the right questions and it took you awhile but you have accepted it and you did not let it break your spirit.
2020 was supposed to be our year. We wanted to go to Hawaii and Montreal and maybe Mexico. But in March everything shut down. I thought initially it would be short lived and the world will go back to normal. But that didn’t happen.
It has been 6 months since the world was normal. I tried to explain to you why you cannot see your friends, go to the park, or go near people. You said everyone was sick and that is why everything is closed. Somehow you came up with that by yourself.
I try to keep things normal for you. But we cannot do our normal outings. We miss going to our starbuck dates and you miss going to the grocery store with me. For you that was not a chore, you liked to pick out what we would eat.
When you see people with masks you don’t even ask about why. Somehow you think it is normal. You asked me once why we don’t wear masks and I said because the doctor hasn’t asked us to. And you seemed to be happy with that answer.
You do ask me if I am sick or if you are going to get sick. I try to put your mind at ease and tell you that is why we wash our hands.
You have lost so much in your life, and I do not want you to lose your innocence.
Zara, this time has not been easy on me. And there have been multiple times when I have lost it. And I apologize for that. I tried my best for you but sometimes you didn’t get the best of me.
Through it all though the one thing that has always kept me moving forward regardless of the uncertainty of our future is YOU. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I have realized during this pandemic that I needed to slow down and really LOOK at you. The world before this was too fast. I was always rushing and lived in this world of ‘busyness’. But now I have been thinking about what I was busy with. The only thing that matters is me and you and our life together.
I love you the most.
PS – Happy Happy Birthday my little Zaza